The following has been officially certified by people we know as the definitive list of films which will appear on our screens in 2015. The information within is badly researched, light on detail, occasionally fabricated, but always highly contentious. We will stand by every word to our deaths.
Also some of the films we are most looking forward to this year were actually supposed to be released last year and appeared on our list for 2014.
We couldn’t be bothered retyping them for 2015’s more cynical audience.
Reason to be excited: Sacha Baron Cohen is back with his offensive generalising brand of comedy as a knuckle headed football hooligan from the northern shit hole that is Grimsby Town. Good to see him turn back to mocking us Brits after an extended time poking fun at America.
Reason to be weary: Bruno and the Dictator were as lowest common denominator as you can get. A little more brains wouldn’t hurt Sacha’s undoubted comedy talents.
Reason to be excited: Ridley Scott returns to sci-fi with this adaptation of the excellent source novel, chronicling a lone astronauts attempts survive on the red planet after being abandoned by his crew.
Reason to be weary: Prometheus had its critics, and indeed many flaws. Actually, Scott seems to be on a pretty poor run by his own sky high standards – this needs to buck the trend.
Reason to be excited: A determined policeman privately hunts for a serial killer despite opposition from Stalin’s regime during the USSR. With a huge cast of great actors this could be a historical classic.
Reason to be weary: Director Daniel Espinosa is relatively unknown quantity. Also, if Putin doesn’t take to kindly to an American retelling of Russian history we may be heading to the trenches for WW3.
Reason to be excited: Following the success of Mud and Take Shelter, Jeff Nichols turns to the supernatural with this tale of a father and son on the run as fugitives after the discovery of special powers in the child.
Reason to be weary: The story sounds a bit like those many early 90s sci-fi TV series.
Reason to be excited: Director of the masterpiece Heat, Michael Mann, returns with an epic Hollywood juggernaut thriller. Looking to capture the zeitgeist of the times, this follows a convicted hacker freed from prison in order to track down a notorious global cybercriminal.
Reason to be weary: If you don’t like slow paced epics with multiple plot threads then this could be something of a grind.
Reason to be excited: Martin Scorsese manages to continue on his run of non-gangster based films, this time entering the historical epic arena with this fascinating sounding story of a 17th century European missionary trying to convert the Japanese to Christianity.
Reason to be weary: Hollywood doesn’t have a great track record with its historical yarns and this could easily become an agenda filled. Expect John Wayne to be cast as the Shogun.
Reason to be excited: One look at the cast would suggest this is going to be a big budget high drama piece worthy of the name. It also comes from Australian director Justin Kurzel, responsible for the incredible Snowtown.
Reason to be weary: One thing the world isn’t exactly crying out for is another retelling of this eponymous Shakespeare classic, but with Fassbender playing the Scottish King this one looks special.
Reason to be excited: Scott Cooper follows up the impressive Out of the Furnace with this gangster epic, telling the story of a notoriously violent criminal who works with the FBI to bring down a mob family.
Reason to be weary: The cast of Cumberbatch, Sienna Miller and Depp could be a little too Hollywood for the material.
That’s What I’m Talking About
Reason to be excited: Richard Linklater takes an interesting turn with a kind of semi-sequel to Dazed and Confused. Sticks to type with Linklater’s favoured coming of age theme.
Reason to be weary: Will probably turn out to be only loosely related, but that shouldn’t be a problem from such an innovative director.
Straight Outta Compton
Reason to be excited: Endorsed and backed by many West Coast Hippy Hop artists, this biopic of rap popstars NWA has a strong and gritty story to tell from an iconic era.
Reason to be weary: To be honest, nearly everything points to this being a big pile of shit but if by some miracle it remains impartial and stays away from too much mythologising, it at least has the potential to be a definitive South Central LA epic.
Reason to be excited: Suspicously similar to decent British sci-fi The Machine, this debut effort from 28 Days Later and Dredd writer, Alex Garland, could still prove to be a striking tale of AI told on a human level.
Reason to be weary: The trailer perhaps reveals too much but there should still be subtle levels to this obvious twist to enjoy.
Reason to be excited: From the director of 2014s incredible Blue Ruin, this is another small scale indie thriller set in America’s rust belt. Expect tense confrontations and explosive violence.
Reason to be weary: None.
Reason to be excited: Already being hailed as a masterpiece stateside, this dark looking sports biopic tells the real life story of the 1988 US wrestling team as they are trained by a multi-billionaire benefactor.
Reason to be weary: Hmmmm. Steve Carell as a… No…. no…. We’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.
Reason to be excited: With an idea ripped off straight from an episode of Futurama this bizarre pitch could go one way or the other but references to classic 80s video games and such a ridiculous concept could make for the oddball surprise of the year.
Reason to be weary: Adam Sandler’s presence.
Reason to be excited: With Sam Mendes back in the driving seat after the incredible Skyfall, this should be a surefire hit, once again balancing big budget action thrills with beautiful cinematography. And for the Bondafiles their is the small matter of Blowfeld possibly making his return..?
Reason to be weary: Each incarnation of Bond always jumps the shark eventually…
Reason to be excited: Guillermo del Toro returns to old fashioned horror after the abysmal corporate mistake which was Pacific Rim, complete with a haunted house and psychological terror.
Reason to be weary: We havent yet fully forgiven him for the Phantom Menace esq PR.
The Hateful Eight
Reason to be excited: Quentin Tarantino thankfully resurrects this previously shelved Western which promises a more simplistic idea reminiscent of his earlier work. A group of rival bandits are trapped together during a storm and become embroiled in a plot of intrigue.
Reason to be weary: The script was leaked which made Tarantino delay the film but surely his name alone will guarantee the crowds.
The Day of the Triffids
Reason to be excited: Based on the classic but criminally obscure British science fiction born of cold war paranoia, this Hollywood remake should introduce a whole new generation to one of the oddest apocalypse ideas ever. Killer plants..?
Reason to be weary: The idea probably needs a little tinkering given the age of the book but if they go too over the top it could turn into an all too predictable CGI mess.
Reason to be excited: Some didn’t enjoy the 80s throwback Elysium but few can deny the visual flair and original style of director Neill Blomkamp. Based on his original short movie about a robot trying to win acceptance with humans, this should prove to be a more emotionally engaging story but still with the South African grit.
Reason to be weary: Yet another AI meets Pinocchio story – the idea is becoming a little saturated.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Reason to be excited: This long awaited sequel should wash away the memories of Tina Turner and her shoulder pads, and those fucking kids. Just watch the incredible trailer and drool…
Reason to be weary: Gibbo is out and Tom Hardy is in. Deal with it.
Star Wars: Episode 7
Reason to be excited: JJ Abrahms may over do it with his music video direction and plot inconsistencies but no one can deny his eye for a memorable set piece, much like Lucas was back in the old days. With some incredibly on the nose casting and a return to more traditional sets, this should at least return the fallen franchise to solid ground but we still expect it to be a return to glory.
Reason to be weary: The hype machine has yet to kick into gear but come December we may all be sick to death of this before we’ve even given it a chance.